Saturday, July 30, 2011

Day 130 - A Waiting Nightmare

Once upon a time there was a man who hated waiting. In fact, his aversion to waiting was so tremendous that he would often go hungry as opposed to having to wait for toast to toast or top ramen to boil in a microwave.

Well, one day, this man decided to write a book. Because he was impatient to have it done, he worked on it every day for a long time until it was finally done. Then it was done. So he tried to publish it. He wrote nice query letters with lots of pretty words on them and sent them to publishers who spat on them and used them to train their puppies where to pee. Finally, the impatient man got tired of waiting for publishers, so he decided to publish his story himself.

He did everything he could do to get the book going on his own, and then he found people to help him with the stuff he could not do.

And then he waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

In fact, he waited so long that he actually went crazy. For, as you may recall, he was famously impatient, and, therefore, having to wait made his brain explode. It also made his chest scrunch up in a tight little fist inside him, and it even made his sphincter whimper and cramp up sometimes.

Finally his impatient mind just went, poof.

The next thing he knew he was on a grasshopper train headed for Daisy Duke’s cutoff drawer. Only there were no tiny, bun hugging jean-shorts in there, but instead, a big smoke screen that couldn’t keep flies out on a hot summer day. So the train, which was only driven by grasshoppers and not really made from them—it was really made of butter instead—melted. The butter poured down the trestles and ran out into the fields where it began to smell bad in the grass, just like it does in a man’s moustache after he eats corn on the cob or really buttery bread.  The smell was awful and flocks of geese threw up in great sheets that rained down on the crazy man, but these were not the nice sheets you put on your bed—not the 600 thread-count ones, oh no, these were sheets of partially digested water bugs and gooey green strands of pond scum and algae. Pretty gross.

The Grasshopper Train to Daisy Duke's Cutoff Drawer

So anyway, when the impatient man finally got his brain to work again, his wife was like WTF? He shrugged, having no memory of the event, and began snuffing and snorting and mumbling about how he really wanted to get his book done.

His wife had to try very hard not to slap him because he was being such a little pouty bitch. Finally she said, “It will get done. You just have to wait."

“I hate waiting,” he said.

And all the grasshoppers laughed at him.


  1. lol! I love the drawing of you on the can followed by you as a skeleton. You have a gift, my friend.

    I took the majority vote (including yours) and signed up at hostgator and now I am suffering daily confrontations with my own ignorance and have developed a needy/pathetic sort of relationship with Support, so at this point, I'd have to avoid grasshoppers because they might pee on me. No, scratch that. They WOULD pee on me.

    I continue to be inspired by your example though. Soldier on. We're all looking forward to your book.

  2. I can't help but wonder what you were going to do if you had, in fact, arrived at Daisy Duke's cutoff drawer. Try them on?

  3. Hahaha loved this! Butter in a moustache was truly disgusting. I'm really looking forward to your book!

  4. I hate waiting too. And, being told by someone while I'm waiting that it will get done makes me want to shove bamboo skewers under my fingernails.

    BUT, it will indeed get done. Patience is a virtue I definitely do not possess, but I encourage others to exhibit it as often as needed.

    Besides, who knows better than you that it will be totally-otally worth the wait!


  5. Since you are not at work today, I have to read your blog so I can get my daily fix of belly laughs. I was not disappointed.

  6. I am constitutionally incapable of this thing so admired and revered 'round the world called 'patience'. It's way overrated, and makes you stupid-that's how I see it.
    Keep on truckin', my friend!

  7. Yeah, I'm with you. I'm getting stupider and stupider too as the clock goes tic toc tic toc on this project.